Unnecessary
as another found footage horror film may be, this is far from the worst of what
The Pyramid has to offer. As
ridiculous as the plot involving aliens and an ancient Egyptian pyramid is, it
comes nowhere close to being as absurd as the characters and the dialogue which
the audience is forced to endure within the scenario. Even with some of the
sloppiest CGI effects used to create it, the creature ends up being the best
actor within this bunch, possibly because it never has to weather the atrocious
dialogue written by Daniel Meersand & Nick Simon for the human characters.
The premise of The Pyramid is only possible due to the
stupidity of horror-film-character’s logic, which is even more frustratingly
asinine considering several of them are meant to be highly intelligent
scientists. With the instantly irritating father-daughter relationship between
the two scientists at the center of the exploration of a recently uncovered
pyramid, audiences are immediately asked for suspension of disbelief. Sadly,
the long-buried three-sided pyramid is not nearly as unbelievable as former
Abercrombie & Fitch model Ashley Hinshaw playing a doctor. After an
obligatory sequence with one of the male characters spying on her undressing, Hinshaw’s
talents have already been stretched beyond their capabilities. Not since Denise
Richard’s role as a nuclear physicist in The
World is Not Enough has casting been less believable, and few horror movies
have left me with such a longing to see the protagonist’s demise as relief from
the bad acting.
Hinshaw plays
Nora, a scientist known only by her first name, who is joined in the expedition
by her archeologist father, Holden (Denis O’Hare). They are paired with a
documentary film crew that includes producer Sunni (Christa Nicola) and her
cameraman Fitzie (James Buckley, of “The Inbetweeners”), as well as a quickly
expendable technician that is also unnecessarily dating Nora. Stupidity leads
to more stupidity when this group decides to trek into the unexplored maze of
the pyramid after watching their robotic camera destroyed by some type of
creature. For some inexplicable reason (other than the aforementioned
stupidity), they are surprised when these same creatures inevitably attack them
as well.
90-minutes of
this tripe quickly turns into an endurance test as this group of unintelligent
explorers become trapped in the labyrinth of tunnels and secret rooms. The
dialogue is rich with clichés and bad acting, punctuated with conversation-free
moments of Hinshaw moaning and groaning out of exertion, fear, and anger, none
of which is the slightest bit believable. I could nearly see the production
assistants waiting off-camera to hand Hinshaw her artesian water bottle; the
performance is that unconvincing. Even the addition of “The Inbetweeners” cast
member goes wasted, as the film never allows comedic relief from the horror
adventure. I’m almost certain that this film would have been just as effective
had there been no dialogue at all, perhaps even more endurable without it. In
one of the film’s worst sequences, Sunni ends an argument with the other
trapped survivors by simply yelling at the person she disagrees with. I
couldn’t help but wonder if this line of dialogue-free yelling was actually in
the screenplay or if it was actress Nicola’s mistaken attempt at an improvised
reaction. In the end, it doesn’t matter who is to blame. All that matters is
that The Pyramid is damn-near
unwatchable despite boasting horror director Alexandre Aja as the film’s producer.
The Blu-ray
release of the film comes with a digital copy, for those who understand that
this film might be better suited for watching on a cell phone. The special
features have an extended ending, despite the fact that the theatrical one
already feels far too long. Extras also include four unnecessary and shallow
featurettes (“Fear,” “Space Archeology,” “Egyptian Myth,” and “Partners”), and
a photo gallery.
Entertainment Value:
2.5/10
Quality of
Filmmaking: 2/10
Historical
Significance: 1/10
Special Features: 3.5/10
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