Most Hated Movies: Cavemen (2013)

     Actors: Chad Michael Murray, Skylar Astin, Camilla Belle, Alexis Knapp, Chasty Ballesteros

Director: Herschel Faber

Format: Dolby, NTSC, Subtitled, THX, Widescreen

Language: English

Aspect Ratio: 1.85:1

Number of discs: 1

Rated: R (Restricted)

Studio: Well Go USA

Release Date: April 8, 2014

Run Time: 88 minutes

        Romantic comedies are built upon formulas, allowing the laziest of screenwriters to rely heavily upon the work of past filmmakers, adding very little of themselves into the artistic process. Writer/director Herschell Faber somehow left me wishing that he had inserted less of himself in this indulgent piece of shit film, while Cavemen simultaneously has a narrative so predictably emotionally manipulative that it left nothing to be unknown. I am angered at the fact that this film was ever made, and the only glimmer of a silver lining in my viewing experience would be this opportunity to steer anyone and everyone from watching this example of artistic ineptitude.

 

This is a hack bit of filmmaking from a filmmaker who lazily uses a contrived and cliché plot while at the same time writing a screenplay about himself, a narcissistic screenwriter who is writing about himself in the movie as well. Not only do we have to endure a horribly written screenplay, but the film also makes us watch the process of the sausage being made as leading character Dean (Skylar Astin) stands in as the role of screenwriter, a.k.a. Faber. I watched Blue is the Warmest Color. I sat through all of A Serbian Film. Caligula. The Holy Mountain. Song of the South. Sweet Movie. None of these movies come remotely close to being as offensive as the lazy, self indulgent filmmaking of Cavemen. By the end of the film I was simply angry; infuriated at the loss of 87 minutes of my life. The time would have been better spent playing tic-tac-toe with myself.

 

Here’s the plot in as much detail as I am willing to give: Dean lives in a large studio apartment in downtown L.A., sharing the space with stereotypical Los Angeles wannabes that include Chad Michael Murray playing the best friend womanizer. Somehow Dean manages to be friends with a bunch of sleazy guys, but we know he’s the one really nice guy in the bunch because he has a childhood friend that he has never slept with. This friend (played by Camilla Belle) is given no personality beyond being the obvious and natural romantic love interest, though the screenplay pretends that there are obstacles in the way. I can’t go on talking about this garbage any longer. If Faber continues to make movies in Hollywood, I hope I am never asked to watch them.

 

The Blu-ray sucks, because the filmmaking sucks and there are no special features to showcase the embarrassment further. Probably the best decision the distributors made, though shelving this “film” for an eternity would have been the greatest kindness.

 

How Hated List

Acting: 4/10

Direction: 8/10

Story: 9/10

Dialogue: 10/10

Characters: 10/10

 

 

1= a little hated            5=Hated plenty         10=Get the f*&^ out of here!

 

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